Well, I've barely begun this blog and already have taken a break from it! This past month, anticipating the holidays, was very difficult for me. Another Christmas and no baby. My girls are getting big, my oldest questioning Santa, and it just reminds me that we are moving further and further away from the "baby" time of our lives...
I didn't chart at all last month. In fact, at the moment, I'm not sure where my chart is. I need to find it and start again, but my feet drag behind me to do so. It is strange to me that one of the tools we are using to help us try to conceive has become such a burden to me at the same time. I resent that chart!
I was officially diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. Mild, but there none the less. All of the traditional medicines for hyperthyroidism are not good for trying to get pregnant, so Dr. Wilson recommended treating it with some supplements instead. I started taking B6 (mucus enhancer) and selenium (helps the thyroid) this month and am continuing my allergy medications and regular multi-vitamin. I look like a real pill-popper in the mornings! DH's medicine for hypothyroidism was upped and seems to really be helping at this point. We'll both have additional blood work in about 6 weeks to check on thyroid functioning.
So, for now, its more of the same. Chart, wait, try, try, again....
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Do you guys live near a nuclear plant or something?
DH and I have finished our first rounds of blood work and the question above was Dr. Wilson's response. Turns out that both of us have thyroid issues...his, hypo...mine, hyper. Dr. Wilson was quick to assure us that there is no magic cure, but at the same time, a poorly functioning thyroid is one of the leading causes of infertility.
My blood draws throughout the last cycle that measure estrogen and progesterone levels came back normal. That leaves me with the hope that it really is a thyroid issue...but it also leaves me fearful. If my hormone levels are "normal" then why aren't we pregnant already!?
Dr. Wilson advised a few supplements which we will both need to start taking. Vitamin B6 for me and a few others with longer names for Zyad. We are going to see an endocrinologist next week, so we will see what that entails then.
Emotionally, I'm feeling OK. Just had my birthday and I can't help but feel a bit like the clock is counting down on me. I know that women have babies well into their 30's, but it still makes me nervous. I know that we are doing all that we can and I leave the rest in God's hands.
My blood draws throughout the last cycle that measure estrogen and progesterone levels came back normal. That leaves me with the hope that it really is a thyroid issue...but it also leaves me fearful. If my hormone levels are "normal" then why aren't we pregnant already!?
Dr. Wilson advised a few supplements which we will both need to start taking. Vitamin B6 for me and a few others with longer names for Zyad. We are going to see an endocrinologist next week, so we will see what that entails then.
Emotionally, I'm feeling OK. Just had my birthday and I can't help but feel a bit like the clock is counting down on me. I know that women have babies well into their 30's, but it still makes me nervous. I know that we are doing all that we can and I leave the rest in God's hands.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Talking to my daughter about St. Colette
I don't tell our girls about the fact that we've been trying to conceive. I don't exactly hide it, but I also don't want them asking questions that I don't have answers to for them. My oldest knows that I was moved by her speech and that I am now talking about St. Colette a lot.
In the car on the way to school, she asked me why. I explained that she is the patron saint of expectant mothers and those longing to conceive. Since Baba (DH) and I want to have more children, St. Colette can pray for us too. In her innocence, she responded, "so, you're longing to conceive, Momma?"
YES, my love, I am.
Hearing the words from her mouth just made me sad. Yes, we are longing and waiting...and it is not easy! Of course I didn't share these things with her. She was happy to prattle along about being an "even bigger" big sister and her joy was beautiful. That was yesterday and I haven't shaken the sadness. It comes and goes...the longing...but tonight it has come again and that is always hard.
In the car on the way to school, she asked me why. I explained that she is the patron saint of expectant mothers and those longing to conceive. Since Baba (DH) and I want to have more children, St. Colette can pray for us too. In her innocence, she responded, "so, you're longing to conceive, Momma?"
YES, my love, I am.
Hearing the words from her mouth just made me sad. Yes, we are longing and waiting...and it is not easy! Of course I didn't share these things with her. She was happy to prattle along about being an "even bigger" big sister and her joy was beautiful. That was yesterday and I haven't shaken the sadness. It comes and goes...the longing...but tonight it has come again and that is always hard.
Ups and downs
We just finished up a month's worth of blood draws. The results were sent to Dr. Wilson and we have a follow up in a week or so to discuss. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but I can tell I would never be a tattoo kind of girl! By the end, I was so sick of getting poked! The other thing that is hanging over my head a bit is that my insurance told me the blood draws would not be covered, however, we have yet to get a bill and we finished over a week ago the last one and the first one over a month ago...we'll see!
My DH also did his physical, we found out about a condition we were unaware of. It is probably unrelated, but now that we'll be treating it, healthier is always better! I am thinking that maybe I should do a general physical too. This may seem crazy, especially for those who know me, since I am at the doctor all the time! Mostly though, this is for asthma-related stuff, and I'm not sure that I've had a total work-up in a while. I will talk to Dr. Wilson about that when we go.
So, that's the update of the day! I am hopeful about what Dr. Wilson will say and hopeful that the changes we are making will allow us to grow our family as we have always wanted!
My DH also did his physical, we found out about a condition we were unaware of. It is probably unrelated, but now that we'll be treating it, healthier is always better! I am thinking that maybe I should do a general physical too. This may seem crazy, especially for those who know me, since I am at the doctor all the time! Mostly though, this is for asthma-related stuff, and I'm not sure that I've had a total work-up in a while. I will talk to Dr. Wilson about that when we go.
So, that's the update of the day! I am hopeful about what Dr. Wilson will say and hopeful that the changes we are making will allow us to grow our family as we have always wanted!
Monday, October 17, 2011
My new friend, St. Colette
I have been tongue tied and afraid to write this blog. My previous strength of spirit lost in the emotional battle I have with myself carrying this cross. I truly feel the pain of the women in the Bible who were shamed by their infertility. I know that no one else would put this on me, yet when I am surrounded by so many for whom this comes so easy, I can not help but feel embarrassed that we have been left out...
This week, I was emboldened though. This is an amazing story of God reaching out to me and comforting me in His kindness. It is so easy to feel alone in this journey, but I know that God has a plan. This may seem trite until you read my story!
First, a bit of background. As Catholics, we believe in the Communion of Saints...that those who have died and are in Heaven are just as interested in our salvation as we are. That they can (and do) pray to God on our behalf. From the Catechism of the Catholic Church:
While there have been saints throughout my life that I have felt an affection for, this is the first time that I believe a saint has sought me out.
Every year, my children's school celebrates All Saints Day. Each child chooses a saint, dresses up like that saint, and says a speech in front of the entire school about that saint. In anticipation of this event, my girls and I had picked out who they wanted to be. I had encouraged my oldest in particular to pick an Eastern saint to show our faith. We had a plan. (so I guess I should have known better!)
When Grace returned home from school, she told me that she had to change her saint. While I didn't show it to her, I was thoroughly disappointed! To top it off, it was a saint I had never even heard of, St. Colette. Committed to helping her with the project, we began our research. As I learned more about St. Colette's resolve and devotion to God, I grew more and more impressed with her life, but still, had no real connection with her.
On the last night of putting my daughter's speech together, we had to look up what St. Colette is the patron saint of. I lazily got on the computer and "googled" the query. Turns out, St. Colette is the patron saint of those longing to conceive and expectant mothers. I couldn't believe it as I read it. My daughter and I both had no idea who this saint was (nor does her teacher know of our struggles).
I am so filled with hope and joy that this woman of God has reached out to me in this time. I look forward to getting to know her better. What a good God we have that He sent me this small comfort on one of the hardest weeks of the cycle. What a merciful God to show a friend to me as I anticipate the sadness of another month with no baby. I am blessed.
St. Colette, pray for us.
This week, I was emboldened though. This is an amazing story of God reaching out to me and comforting me in His kindness. It is so easy to feel alone in this journey, but I know that God has a plan. This may seem trite until you read my story!
First, a bit of background. As Catholics, we believe in the Communion of Saints...that those who have died and are in Heaven are just as interested in our salvation as we are. That they can (and do) pray to God on our behalf. From the Catechism of the Catholic Church:
957 Communion with the saints. "It is not merely by the title of example that we cherish the memory of those in heaven; we seek, rather, that by this devotion to the exercise of fraternal charity the union of the whole Church in the Spirit may be strengthened. Exactly as Christian communion among our fellow pilgrims brings us closer to Christ, so our communion with the saints joins us to Christ, from whom as from its fountain and head issues all grace, and the life of the People of God itself":
We worship Christ as God's Son; we love the martyrs as the Lord's disciples and imitators, and rightly so because of their matchless devotion towards their king and master. May we also be their companions and fellow disciples!
While there have been saints throughout my life that I have felt an affection for, this is the first time that I believe a saint has sought me out.
Every year, my children's school celebrates All Saints Day. Each child chooses a saint, dresses up like that saint, and says a speech in front of the entire school about that saint. In anticipation of this event, my girls and I had picked out who they wanted to be. I had encouraged my oldest in particular to pick an Eastern saint to show our faith. We had a plan. (so I guess I should have known better!)
When Grace returned home from school, she told me that she had to change her saint. While I didn't show it to her, I was thoroughly disappointed! To top it off, it was a saint I had never even heard of, St. Colette. Committed to helping her with the project, we began our research. As I learned more about St. Colette's resolve and devotion to God, I grew more and more impressed with her life, but still, had no real connection with her.
On the last night of putting my daughter's speech together, we had to look up what St. Colette is the patron saint of. I lazily got on the computer and "googled" the query. Turns out, St. Colette is the patron saint of those longing to conceive and expectant mothers. I couldn't believe it as I read it. My daughter and I both had no idea who this saint was (nor does her teacher know of our struggles).
I am so filled with hope and joy that this woman of God has reached out to me in this time. I look forward to getting to know her better. What a good God we have that He sent me this small comfort on one of the hardest weeks of the cycle. What a merciful God to show a friend to me as I anticipate the sadness of another month with no baby. I am blessed.
St. Colette, pray for us.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Inspiration not only for me...
but for my struggling friends as well...
Although I have lived through much darkness ... I have seen enough evidence to be unshakably convinced that no difficulty, no fear is so great that it can completely suffocate the hope that springs eternal in the heart of the young ...
Do not let that hope die! Stake your lives on it! We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures; we are the sum of the Father's love for us and our real capacity to become the image of His Son.
Pope John Paul II
World Youth Day, Toronto 2002
Although I have lived through much darkness ... I have seen enough evidence to be unshakably convinced that no difficulty, no fear is so great that it can completely suffocate the hope that springs eternal in the heart of the young ...
Do not let that hope die! Stake your lives on it! We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures; we are the sum of the Father's love for us and our real capacity to become the image of His Son.
Pope John Paul II
World Youth Day, Toronto 2002
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Hope
I decided today that hope is hard.
Having hope requires that I know what I want MAY happen, and it may not. Having hope requires that I leave myself open to being disappointed, and in the case of infertility, that means being disappointed over and over and over again, month after month. It is not an easy task to hold on to hope, but that is what our Lord calls us to.
Today is the feast of the Nativity of the Theotokos, the birth of the Virgin Mary. I had never seen the icon for this feast before, but when we went to church last night to celebrate the feast, I studied it the entire time.
Yesterday was our first meeting with Dr. Wilson, the local NaPro technology specialist. She explained that 70% of NaPro patients are experiencing secondary infertility, which made me feel a bit less alone. Isn't it amazing that just knowing there are other people out there who share your struggles makes it easier to hold on to hope?
That is why I couldn't take my eyes off of the icon for today's feast. Joachim and Anne are depicted with gray hair...they were very old by the time that Mary was born. It must have been so difficult for them to wait for a child, but God had a plan. I'm sure that their wait for a child was just as painful as mine, but they faithfully persisted in prayer and hope.
I wish that I could say the same about my journey. My family and friends know that I have not always carried this cross gracefully. Meeting with Dr. Wilson encouraged me though. In the next month, I will go have blood drawn every other day for about three weeks to do a complete hormone profile. We have a plan for the next eighteen months that for me, breaks the journey into manageable pieces. That gives me hope. But, not just hope in what I want, but hope in a plan that God has for our family.
Kontakion of the Feast
Through your holy birth, O Immaculate One, Joachim and Anne were delivered from the shame of childlessness, and Adam and Eve from the corruption of death. Your people redeemed from the debt of their sins, celebrate your birth crying out to you: the barren one gives birth to the Mother of God, the Sustainer of our life.
Having hope requires that I know what I want MAY happen, and it may not. Having hope requires that I leave myself open to being disappointed, and in the case of infertility, that means being disappointed over and over and over again, month after month. It is not an easy task to hold on to hope, but that is what our Lord calls us to.
Today is the feast of the Nativity of the Theotokos, the birth of the Virgin Mary. I had never seen the icon for this feast before, but when we went to church last night to celebrate the feast, I studied it the entire time.
Yesterday was our first meeting with Dr. Wilson, the local NaPro technology specialist. She explained that 70% of NaPro patients are experiencing secondary infertility, which made me feel a bit less alone. Isn't it amazing that just knowing there are other people out there who share your struggles makes it easier to hold on to hope?
That is why I couldn't take my eyes off of the icon for today's feast. Joachim and Anne are depicted with gray hair...they were very old by the time that Mary was born. It must have been so difficult for them to wait for a child, but God had a plan. I'm sure that their wait for a child was just as painful as mine, but they faithfully persisted in prayer and hope.
I wish that I could say the same about my journey. My family and friends know that I have not always carried this cross gracefully. Meeting with Dr. Wilson encouraged me though. In the next month, I will go have blood drawn every other day for about three weeks to do a complete hormone profile. We have a plan for the next eighteen months that for me, breaks the journey into manageable pieces. That gives me hope. But, not just hope in what I want, but hope in a plan that God has for our family.
Kontakion of the Feast
Through your holy birth, O Immaculate One, Joachim and Anne were delivered from the shame of childlessness, and Adam and Eve from the corruption of death. Your people redeemed from the debt of their sins, celebrate your birth crying out to you: the barren one gives birth to the Mother of God, the Sustainer of our life.
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